Monday, May 23, 2011

Monday Monday

This morning, I've enjoyed a leisurely cup of coffee - a vanilla latte that I made myself at home - and spent some time gazing out the kitchen window into my awfully overrun backyard and garden. Holden sat in his Bumbo seat for a time, staring with me and chewing on his teddy bears. He tired quickly, though, so I transferred him to his swing. He graciously played in the swing for a few minutes, really just long enough for me to work up the desire to start a post. Now he's crying in earnest and beating the toy bar on the swing with fat, enraged, impotent little fists. I guess I'll go change his diaper.

Well that was an adventure in parenting self-confidence. First of all, Holden's diaper contained a considerable amount of poop. I mean, I'm pretty sure an adult male gorilla could have produced more, but I wouldn't actually lay a wager on it. So the poor kid had to sit in a diaper full of poop and wail and beat his fists against his swing in true furious despair to drag my attention away from the admittedly fascinating sight of my backyard. I mean, I've only lived here for seven years. Something in the backyard might have changed last night, and I needed to stare at it to know for sure.

Then, as I sweet-talked to him and wiped the poo off his poor little butt, I realized he wasn't cooing back. I glanced up to see him peeing into his mouth. Yes. I allowed my son to pee into his own mouth.

Yes, thank you all for voting for me for parent of the year. I'm so proud to have been selected and to stand as an example for all pa... what? You were voting me out of the running? Automatic disqualification?

I kinda feel like I should explain or make it better somehow. I mean, it all happened very fast. I don't think he got more than a couple of swallows. But then I realized that you know? It doesn't really matter how much or little urine was involved. My son just peed into his own mouth. I am both horrified and a little proud.

I had planned for this post to be a happy discussion of how I am coming along in the organization and planning, improving little by little. I think instead I'll go make another latte, but this time I'm adding liquor.

1 comment:

  1. ha ha ha ha ha!

    Nice try, hun, but pee is sterile, and actually hydrating.

    This talent of your sons, while impressive, in no way threatens my perpetual "mother of the year" status, earned when my eldest was 18 mo, when with what I thought was my full attention, she ended up *sucking on* the ceramic front rim of an urban McDonald's toilet.

    Nice yard, though!