Are the Zombies After Us?

Every day this week, I've told myself that I would make the time to update my blog. Every day at the end of the day, I've realized I'm tired and cranky and just not in the mood. Which is kinda dumb, when you think about it. There's very little as soothing or reassuring to me as blogging. Even though I've only been here for a few months, I've actually maintained a blog on Livejournal since 2002. Practically an eternity in internet years.

Of course, it's been sporadic there, too . . .

Anyway, a couple of updates. First, a word from Ms. G., Burgundy's  AP Human Geography Teacher, and beloved recipient of the RPatz Poster:

Burgundy's AP Human Geography teacher did in fact receive the surprise of a lifetime when Robert ended up on her wall of fame (formerly known as pictures of old men who talk about geography). As the day progressed, girls screams could be heard loud and clear as they noticed the new face on the wall.  To be sure, there were some who looked upon the poster with disdain but by and large the swooning won.

So, the dilemna became, what to do with the poster? One student suggested auctioning the poster for the Hope for Haiti Relief Drive the class was spearheading.  Truly a brilliant suggestion, therefore the poster is being auctioned next week with 100% of the proceeds going to Doctors Without Borders to aid in the relief efforts in Haiti. The starting bid was 10.00!  There is no telling how high Robert will go.

Meanwhile, Burgundy has been talking for a month or so about how she wanted to start running to try to maintain the fitness she gained during band marching season. It's a terribly grueling experience: For three weeks in Houston's August heat, they march outside getting ready for the start of the school year. Then they march every day after school three hours a day through November. Last year, Burgundy lost 6 pants sizes over the course of three months and started showing signs of real malnourishment (she's a vegetarian and really didn't have six sizes to lose to start with). We had to get creative to figure out how to maximize her caloric intake to counter all the activity.

So last November, I tore a ligament and popped a minor tendon in my leg and had to stop running for a while, and Bugundy's idea provided just the prompting I needed to start over.

Last Thursday, we decked ourselves out and ran Week 1, Day 1 of one of the ubiquitous couch to 5K programs out there. Today, we ran Week 2, Day 1, and while it challenged both of us,  I feel safe saying that we're both enjoying it.

I do feel awfully pretentious talking about running though, because we are not the runners you see in the movies, dead sexy in spandex, gliding effortlessly along some glorious, tree-lined path with ponytails swishing in tandem. No, we were wheezy, huffy, bow-legged and pasty. People leapt off the path when they saw us coming. Our dog trotted along behind us, occasionally making horking noises that effectively distanced us from anyone who might have been brave enough to get near us.

Oh, and we sweat and smell bad after running. Just sayin'. Nothing sexy or glamorous about it.

RPatz' Fate

Yesterday before school Burgundy explained her plan for the poster. Its new tormentee is to be her teacher, Ms. G. I'm given to understand that Ms. G hates RPatz. Hates. She told Ms. G that she had a surprise for her, but it was too big to bring to class. So Ms. G agreed to leave her door unlocked for Burgundy after school. Poor, dear lady.

After school, I took the poster, some thumbtacks, and print-outs of my two previous RPatz entries (so Ms. G would understand the joke) up to the school to meet Burgundy and her cohort, Brandon. We gained entry to the school by flashing the poster at unsuspecting youngsters who, in their rush to escape his fatuous gaze, opened the door for us.

We crept (sounding almost as stealthy as a freight train repeatedly ramming a granite cliff) up the stairs and into Ms. G's room, where the cleaning lady tried hard not to stare but failed. Ms. G has a huge banner across the back of her room that reads, "Geographers, Models, and Theories;" of course, we hung the poster under that title (being careful not to stick tacks through the banner) and over the faces of a couple of famous folks on the banner.

Naturally, this occasioned great hilarity. The culprits had to pose with the poster, but they're so stealth and G that they protected their identities.

Happily, having a life with homework, dinner, and all the other things that distract us, we were forced to take our leave of young, fair, vacuous Mr. Pattinson.  I'm sure he won't be lonely there in the classroom.

Skillet-Hit Pattinson

It's 7AM, and I should be in the shower. However, I haven't been able to post in a few days, and I really miss it! So I'm going to run a few minute behind schedule (yay flex time!) and update the world. Because I know the whole world waits impatiently for The Saga of the Grohmans. I bet little Atlas has been dancing on one foot with irritation at my absence. Yeah.

Burgundy came home from school the other day, and she didn't notice the poster. So Julia asked if she could have some index cards. Burgundy went into her room and searched all around her desk (with her back to the drippy eyes of Skillet-Hit Pattinson), turning around and around, and she never saw him. Every time she turned to face the poster, she was looking at the ground, the shelves, the dresser . . . everywhere but the wall.

So I said, "Burgundy, could the cards be on your bookshelf?"

To which she replied, "No, I don't ever put them there." And kept looking around on the floor under her desk. I had to pretend to sneeze, turn into the hallway and press my face against the wall to stifle my giggles. Julia kept a much straighter face.

Finally, I said, "Well, why don't you just give it a look?"

So Burgundy heaved the care-laden, world-weary sigh of the 14-year-old American girl who has suffered untold atrocities at the hands of her cruel parents. Vicious injustices like using the vacuum cleaner and vile Crimes of Suggestion such as, "look for it on the bookcase," and she turned around and flounced yes you read that right she flounced to the bed nook. STILL NOT NOTICING THE POSTER.

She inspected a shelf or two, and mid-sentence, just after the long, drawn out, "Mooooom," of Infinite Patience, she let out a horrendous screech, leapt backwards off the bed, landed on her butt, flipped over, crawled out of the room, and curled into the fetal position in the hallway.

Oh boy, does she know how to react, or what?

Now she's plotting where to put the poster next. She's hoping to sneak it into her AP Human Geography class and hang it there.

Bad, Evil, Naughty, WICKED Mom

My daughter has a love-hate relationship with the Twilight novels. She's absolutely repulsed by Edward's character and by RPatz (how can a mom get any more lucky?).

The knitters had decided to have a Crappy Gift Exchange after Christmas, the premise being that everyone received at least one useless, un-re-giftable crappy Christmas gift, and we would offload them onto each other. Hannah brought a gift from her husband: a giant poster of Robert Pattinson grinning like a fool who'd been hit with a skillet.

Her husband had bought it and spent about two weeks springing it on her in unsuspecting moments. For example, once he waited until she was in the shower shampooing her hair, then plastered it against the glass shower doors and held it there until she rinsed her hair, opened her eyes, and [naturally] screamed. Another time, he hid the poster under the covers on her side of the bed so RPatz' Doofus Grin (tm) was the last thing Hannah saw before turning out the lights.

Well, Burgundy saw the poster and gagged. She made a big production of how horrifically unattractive she finds poor, dejected RPatz. Meanwhile, the knitter who "won" the poster is a normal adult with a healthy sexual perspective. Therefore, she had no interest in keeping the poster. So while Burgundy wasn't watching, I snuck it into my trunk.

And this morning, after she left for school, I did this:

[insert maniacal cackling here]

Have a great day, everyone!